Once I am on the train, time is suspended. I read, I get comfortable, I get uncomfortable, I take pictures of the world outside my window speeding by as if it has somewhere to go. I get up to take a walk, get a bite to eat have a beer and settle back down to take a nap. When I finally get to the Wilmington station, I am glad that Jae has brought both Ayden and Hanna with him to pick me up. I am greeted by enthusiastic, high pitched voices saying, ''Mimi", and lots of hugs. I get down on one knee to brace myself and receive their love and their hugs I have missed all week.
On Saturday morning, we all slept in until 7 am. What a treat. Hanna's sleep patterns have changed since her trip to Boston in March. I wonder if she is just growing or responding to the stress of divorce, out of whack emotions, change in Au Pair, and new schedule. It was so sweet to wake up with the both the girls in my bed with me, to not be alone in my sleeping and waking like I have been all this week. Over the last 13 years, I have never really felt alone in my own bed, actually, it has been just the opposite. Most recently, I have felt the overwhelming presence of Jae, of the expectation for intimacy and me always being so tired and him feeling rejected. It was a vicious cycle. I don't know how or when we ended up disappointing each other so much. Little by little over the years, it crept in, crawled in between us, and never left. But that was not in my thoughts this morning, we all played in the bed until someone mentioned breakfast. We enjoyed a big Saturday morning breakfast together with cold milk, hot coffee, bacon, biscuits with butter and grape jelly, and eggs, just Me, Hanna, Ayden and Flick. It was a beautiful, sunny spring day and Ayden asked me if we could go roller-blading together. I agreed and strapped on my blades before I could realize the risk I was taking with my 41 year old frame. We had so much fun, Hanna was pushing her stroller, while Ayden and I were doing our best out-of-control, damage control. Neither of us fell, but I am sure we were a funny scene to watch. We were both learning to control the speed of our wheels, with arms flinging and flailing and uncertain legs out of time with the expect smooth strokes. We were all smiles as we learned to master the direction of our bodies together and even skated a little, while holding hands in the cul-de-sac. Later we went shopping for new summer shorts and talked about friends, relationships, school and the new people I am working with.
Sunday morning was bit more hurried as I tried to get both girls up and ready for church. We were running just a few minutes late but no one was upset, like it used to be. During the service the girls stuck like Velcro to my side. Ayden couldn't get close enough it seemed, and I enjoyed her wanting my arms around her. The sermon was about Trust. I thought about all the places and people in my life where I lacked trust. The place where I think I need protection for my heart, from my habits, from my broken places. I know I have places that I need to expose and make vulnerable, mainly, so I can be rid of them. During prayer request time, Ayden's hand shot up. This was the first time she had ever wanted to speak or give a prayer request to the congregation, I was not about to stifle it. Her words landed hard and I caught my breath as she announced to the church, "My Mommy is getting divorced" as she looked back at me with a pitiful look. It sounded so one sided. I wondered if this was any insight into how she perceives what is going on in our lives. The lay person repeated back respectfully, "Prayers for the Sparks Family." "NO!" I wanted to say, "she is asking for prayers for me"! I kept myself in check and thought, this is her way of comforting me and I gave her a little hug and told her, "thank you".
I could never pretend that our divorce is one-sided. It was a death of 1,000 cuts that we inflicted on one another. I search my memories for the good moments we shared, so many of them tainted by the pain we accumulated over the years. The best thing is that I have two beautifully perfect daughters that I love with a heart that can not be tainted by deceit, self-righteousness, or resentment for unmet expectations. It is truly, unconditional and pure and ultimately, I guess, what we all crave. I feel sorry that I could not see that before and will hold this as a goal for any relationship that I may have in the future. Week-end visitation: life under a magnifying glass, vulnerability, trust and love. I wonder if they will all be like this.
