It's Midnight

Tomorrow, for the first time in my life, I am taking a vacation to the sunny coast of Maine. Ogunquit, Maine! No men, no phone, no kids...just me and the lobster, and my friend Francine.

It is August 23

I grew up in Kentucky, the Ohio River Valley, and I am used to August being the Dog Days of Summer. Today on my way to work it was 68 degrees out. They have a pool at the Cliff House where I will be staying. Pool or Ice Cube repository? I have a feeling I won't be swimming, unless the pool is heated...

At least there is the Signature Massage waiting for me on Thursday. Sweet Heaven. Shall I say, it is a sheer luxury to think about having someone's hands on my skin, working out the kinks. The stress, the frustration of having no sex life for close to a year, on top of that currently having a very fun, but frustrating, sext life. But what the hell, it seems that very few actually have a good sex life, why do I need one? I am not sure what is more embarrassing about actually having a sex life, 1) buying a 3 pack of condoms and your neighbor showing up behind you in line..."Oh, Hi Bill" or 2) Getting your 1 quart zip-lock bag screened as you go through airport security, with the KY jelly prominently displayed. Oy Vay, that only happened once.

I think I hit a fantastically comfortable high this summer, with work and with life, which has all come to climax this month. This was a very special summer for me. I had the opportunity to be summer single. The girls were with their father for 8 weeks. I had the opportunity to explore Boston on my own, or with friends who were on business in Boston. I found out that I really enjoy Kayaking, especially alone, and especially going past Harvard on my way to the Charles River Basin. On the water, this is one of my happy places.

I didn't cook a single meal, well, okay, I think I cooked three meals, all for my girlfriends. I painted, I cleaned, I played guitar and I met a lot of new people. My life is evolving. Why stop now?

However, as of Saturday, I will no longer be summer single. The girls are coming back and I will be crazy busy, falling asleep after reading to them. That is why here I am at Midnight, after cleaning all evening. Preparing my nest, for my babies to return.

Catharsis

What is love?

I don't know that I will ever know the answer to this question. I have had love, I have loved, I have felt love, I have been in love, I have given love, but rarely without expectation. That I have reserved for my grandparents, my parents and my children. Unconditional love. I know that I get that unconditional love in return, but why can't a man and a woman create this? And if they can, why have I gotten it so wrong?

What have I ever gained from love?

Other than from my family and my God, I have lost at love too many times, I have never been enough for any man to love completely, or maybe I have been too much for any man to love forever. I know it is best to stay open and receptive to life, to be raw, to be vulnerable. That's hard and life marches on and has expectations. Why can't I be enough, why must I be too much?

Tonight for the first time since Feb 2010, I came home from work, walked the dog, curled up in bed with my NetFlix and watched Precious. Then I had my long awaited cathartic moment. The intensity of the pain of being let down and let go, of failing at the one thing that was most important to me, the anger of being robbed of my dreams, the loneliness of my kids being gone and the bitterness, yes the bitterness of my children being cared by for someone who didn't, who hasn't, earned the right. I cried. I cried long and hard, copious tears covered my cheeks and eyelashes, my pillow and my sheets, tears that rolled down my cheeks and into my ears and onto my neck. The tissue box drained, along with me.

I have a right to be mad, but what in the world do I have to be mad at? Who do I direct this anger toward? Me? Parents? God? Jae? Everyone? Anyone?

No, no one.

No one is wrong, no one is right. I muddle through this life, intensify my efforts to make good choices, to be honest, to be true to myself, to allow others to be who they are, and to the best of ability avoid those who can not be true to themselves or to others. I very much lack a trust of my own ability to judge honesty in others these days. I used to trust everyone. Now, I am skeptical of all. I am skeptical of intentions and hidden agendas and skeletons.

But I am at this moment, no matter how painful, exactly where I am supposed to be. Drained, tired, sleepy and alone. Completely and skeptically alone.