I don't know that I will ever know the answer to this question. I have had love, I have loved, I have felt love, I have been in love, I have given love, but rarely without expectation. That I have reserved for my grandparents, my parents and my children. Unconditional love. I know that I get that unconditional love in return, but why can't a man and a woman create this? And if they can, why have I gotten it so wrong?
What have I ever gained from love?
Other than from my family and my God, I have lost at love too many times, I have never been enough for any man to love completely, or maybe I have been too much for any man to love forever. I know it is best to stay open and receptive to life, to be raw, to be vulnerable. That's hard and life marches on and has expectations. Why can't I be enough, why must I be too much?
Tonight for the first time since Feb 2010, I came home from work, walked the dog, curled up in bed with my NetFlix and watched Precious. Then I had my long awaited cathartic moment. The intensity of the pain of being let down and let go, of failing at the one thing that was most important to me, the anger of being robbed of my dreams, the loneliness of my kids being gone and the bitterness, yes the bitterness of my children being cared by for someone who didn't, who hasn't, earned the right. I cried. I cried long and hard, copious tears covered my cheeks and eyelashes, my pillow and my sheets, tears that rolled down my cheeks and into my ears and onto my neck. The tissue box drained, along with me.
I have a right to be mad, but what in the world do I have to be mad at? Who do I direct this anger toward? Me? Parents? God? Jae? Everyone? Anyone?
No, no one.
No one is wrong, no one is right. I muddle through this life, intensify my efforts to make good choices, to be honest, to be true to myself, to allow others to be who they are, and to the best of ability avoid those who can not be true to themselves or to others. I very much lack a trust of my own ability to judge honesty in others these days. I used to trust everyone. Now, I am skeptical of all. I am skeptical of intentions and hidden agendas and skeletons.
But I am at this moment, no matter how painful, exactly where I am supposed to be. Drained, tired, sleepy and alone. Completely and skeptically alone.
Few people even know who Bella Fleck is. Wish I could address your isolation. I'm almost 60 now can't say I feel any different except for my son. I guess church helps. I've been married for twenty five years, perfectly faithful and I'm still alone. I try to be funny. I'm very good at it. Everyone likes me, but I have no friends just a lot of acquaintances. I'm not sure that it's not the way it's supposed to be. I don't believe in unconditional love unless it's from God. Sounds like you have had a rough time and are raising kids alone. If that doesn't beat you up I don't know what will. If you need a laugh go to my blog. Ignore the first four entries. Read Zeroscaping and my It all hurts articles except for driving. If you can't laugh that means we should be married. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI've seen Bella Fleck in concert, so not only know the person/band but have witness them in action! Other Favs, like you, John Prine. I have at least three of his albums and have recently considered making a video of random shots of my hometown in KY with 'Daddy won't you take me back to Meulenburg Co.' As the background theme. Another one to check out, if you haven't heard his music/stories is Leo Koettke. He is funny, very dry...and odd. Your posts are funny, so I think We are safe for the time being, although I have a sweet spot for Colorado. As for my catharsis, I am one of the most forgiving and natually happy souls alive. It is hard for me to mad, because it changes me. But this was the first time I have allowed myself to be mad at the girlfriend. I would like to say I have more, but it is not worth my time somehow...thanks for the smile, and the comment! I'll visit again soon, when I am not packing. I agree, for many even family does not provide unconditional love...
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