Saturday, July 14, 2012
So here it is, my birthday month, time to pause, relax, enjoy, reflect and plan for the next year. In summary, 2012 is shaping up to be a fantastic year. Work is a little overwhelming, but that is because I get involved in too many things.
Topic 1: Learning to say no
Define and prioritize your goals, then say no to any new activities that interfere, or are not directly related to those goals. Let me ask you, is there anyone out there that does this well, because, I chase after new activities like a lab after a squirrel!! Although I do try to adhere to this strategy, it alludes me if I don't constantly (like every couple of hours) review it!
Regardless, feedback at work is very positive and rewarding. I love what I do. There is currently a tremendous amount of turmoil at work with the departure of our VP, Pharm Sci. There is much consternation over who will be the successor, with implications to our direct reports and org structure depending on who the successor will be. I continue to keep my focus on my team, their morale, and do have an optimistic outlook for the future.
I have just enjoyed my first full week of the kids being with Jae and Jane for this summer. I have to say, I am in a much better place than I was last year. I don't feel so abandoned and lonely, though I am still quite alone, nor am I sad or angry anymore about the loss of my marriage and the role Jane has played. It is going on two years now, officially two years in November, unofficially 2.5 years since we split. I have come to the conclusion that I don't know how to 'date'. Because of the long distance nature, they seem to go straight from I like you, I have strong feelings for you, right to intense relationship and steady companionship. I have had two significant relationships, but neither had a 'dating' phase. I find this odd, and not a pattern that I want to repeat in the future. The first thing I did for myself in this respect was to get a therapist.
Topic 2: Learning how to date
There has to be an interested party...nuff said!
So, rather than looking around and waiting, I am using my free time this summer for a variety of different things. 1) Fix up minor repairs around the house, 2) get some new appliances 3) WORKOUT like a crazy woman, so that when the kids get back, I only have to maintain my fitness 4) Explore the area with just me and my camera.
Here is my summer so far:
June 24-30 Japan:
Wouldn't change a thing, professionally, I think it was a great week. I made new connections with the appropriate folks, lead a scientific review of the oncology portfolio, participated in the Global QbD initiative and in general, enjoyed my evenings with new and old acquaintances, further developing those relationships, and had the opportunity to interact with Dr Miwa and Pete Smith in a less formal setting. I stuck to my workout routine for running and did not gain any weight while in Japan, feeling so good about that.
Emotionally, it was a very tough week as I had to exercise a great deal of self-restraint with an ongoing relationship that has an uncertain future. The execution of my self-restraint was not flawless, but I have no regrets. I seem to have so little say in matters of my own heart. It just does what it wants and leaves me to pick up the pieces. That being said, refer to the first sentence, re: I wouldn't change a thing.
Leigh's birthday! She drove to St. Louis to see me and we spent the night catching up with unemployment, relationships, work, sex toys and keeping yourself centered and happy when the world around you is not complying with your demands. The next day we drove from St Louis to Owensboro, with a minor pit stop at Larry Flints Erotic Boutique to pick up a few personal items. I love my Leigh time!!
June 31 - July 7 Kentucky and Family:
Sigh...home, sweet, home...
I thank my family for being patient with me as I go through re-entry from work to personal interactions. Decompression from email pending deadlines is not easy when you have had two weeks alone. However, once I made the switch and was able to put down the phone, the integration back into family life is so sweet and right and that centeredness just comes pouring back. To be with those that love you and whom you love, warts and all, is simply fulfilling for me. I am happy to get this time with my girls, to have them be with my family, for them to know they are loved unconditionally and deeply. For the the girls to experience farm life, fireworks on the river, getting to know extended family and cousins, swimming in the pond, hot summer days, the hospital - for the birth of new cousins and nursing homes to visit great-great grandparents.
July 8-14 Boston:
This week was my first full on week of Cross-fit and the Nutrition Challenge. So I have been working out most every-day, if I miss a workout, I talk a long walk with Sammy to keep the engine fired up. On Friday, I had a lung burner workout and got a little scared because the recovery took too long. When you can't breathe, it suddenly becomes the most important thing to you!! After just one week I am feeling stronger and can see some definition in my thighs, arms, back and abs already and have lost 5 pounds, YAY!! This is a forty day challenge. I may post before and after pictures at Day 40, Sunday, August 20. I ran a 5K this week, but had really bad go of it, mainly due to the crowd, but still, I ended up walking a little, I think my body was just on the verge of bonking. Anyway, the 5K was part of the JP Morgan Corp Challenge, 12,000 runners and I finished at 57:36 or there about, there were just too many walkers. My time on my next 5K will be much better, and I will be sure to post. Millennium gave us team T-shirts as hosted a WHIP at Scholars, so I was able to get to know a few more colleagues and had my one beer for the week. :)
I read a page from a book at the Vet. The book was called Dogma. The phrase that stuck out was, 'Wait patiently, for the one you love'. So, in this vein, I have to say, I think I am doing pretty well. I have down moments, but for the most part, though my heart is very tender and recovering, I am moving forward, not stuck in a place of sadness. Here again, I have a positive outlook because, regardless of the outcome, I feel less constrained, and have more freedom to move forward.
Today I plan on installing my window AC units! We will see if this Crossfit is starting to pay off yet.
Will continue to blog on Saturday or Sunday of each week and have the following plans:
July 20-22: Rehoboth Beach with the Girls
July 28-31: Leigh to visit Boston and Coldplay concert, oh, and my birthday (with Leigh, yeah!).
August 4-6: Visit Girls (open plans)
August 10-12: Photo-vacation in Acadia - YES, alone and looking forward to it. Visit Richard Bondurant and his significant other.
August 17-19: Visit Girls (open plans)
August 24-26: Last weekend alone (Boston)
August 31: Memorial Day weekend to the beach with the Girls, hang with friends, say good-bye to summer....
Have a good one Y'all!!
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
It overflows and spills on the floor making a mess
A mess of you and a mess of me
We hold it back
Not giving the way love is supposed to flow and be absorbed
The constellations have lead so many through
The waters to unknown places
Places to be found and explored
Risking all to find something new
What now overflows may one day dry up
if it is not used
I cannot contain what I have
Like endless waves crashing over the sand
My heart is coming out of my chest
Laying there so vulnerable
So it feels like goodbye
Though I will bleed to death
I will smile and enjoy the sunshine, the wind in my hair
The rain in my eyes, and let it be what it is
And I will continue to love
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
It rained the entire last three days of March, when I first arrived in Boston. Not just rained, there were flood warnings and high winds, ruined umbrellas, ruined shoes and soaked coats. When I first came to Boston, I thought it was odd that grown women wore rubber boots with their pants tucked in on their way to work, odd, until
my first commute in the pouring rain, in a business suit, wearing business shoes. Now I understand. It is gray and cold. The trees and bulbs are still holding fiercely to their dried tubers, waiting for the right moment to wake and burst forth from their brown cocoons into the vibrant colors of spring. April is the cruelest month.
As opposed to last week, today, was a beautiful spring day. I wore my black patent leather stilettos, refusing to release this one morsel of vanity to Cambridge. After work I put on my sneaks to go for a run. Boston is full of runners, especially on a day like today. So I decided to join the ranks. If I don't do it, I will continue to be an outsider in this city; the outsider in stilettos. I ran about 2 miles from my apt in downtown Boston across the Charles River Bridge and into Cambridge through MIT and Central Square, then walked another mile to Harvard Square. The city is so full of life, life of all ages and social status; professors, professionals, students, vagrants, innovators, entrepreneurs, workers, bus drivers, vendors, shop owners. I think they are all try to look like professors from Harvard or MIT, even the vagrants, or perhaps it is the other way around. The one exception seems to be the students. There even seems to be a difference in appearance of the MIT students as opposed to the Harvard students. The Harvard students are all beautiful. I did some necessary shopping at Verizon, Urban Outfitters and the Harvard Coop (yes, as in chicken coop) to get a book before catching the T back to Boston. I start reading as soon as I am outside and back on the sidewalk, "Like Water for Chocolate", a re-read. As I enter the T station, I hear the tinkle and strumming of someone playing flamenco on an acoustic guitar, mixed with the grind of the train brakes, I feel the heat and wind of the station and can taste the Christmas Rolls that Tita is making in Chapter 1. They all blend perfectly. Yes indeed, it is a beautiful day.
Today, April 7, Boston has burst into blossom with Dogwood, Azaleas, Forsythia, Tulips and Daffodills. it seems that it happened overnight. There is a new energy. It was 80 degrees and breezy today.
The week of April 15th has been perfect, with sunny warm days in the 70's during the day and 50's during the evening. I have been so busy with work that it is difficult to leave early and enjoy the day, but I have been making plans for my upcoming visit on the 24th. I have tickets for the Red Sox vs the Rangers, my first Red Sox game. I also have tickets to take a walking historical culinary tour of the North End.
My week-ends with the girls are packed with trips to Longwood Gardens and sleepovers. Ayden and Hanna cling to me. I soak it in, the girls, the beauty of spring. My days pass too slowly. My week-ends with the girls pass too quickly. I spend April 18th and 19th in NYC visiting friends and exploring NYC on my own. It is in full bloom as well. The days are getting warmer. The skies blue and clear.
Springtime in Boston is especially sweet after a long, difficult winter in Pennsylvania. I breathe it all in, expand my lungs, expand my world.
So much beauty to absorb.